Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
