i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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