My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
