So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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