walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I want to be your penis for a week.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Dear god my vagina.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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