My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
