I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
