Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm both gender and math confused
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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