She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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