so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
