I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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