Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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