i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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