Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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