Texts From Last Night

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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...

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  (719): I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel... http://tfl.nu/j6ej
  Replies (13) Good night (2647) Bad night (640)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.

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  (206): Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it. http://tfl.nu/tro9
  Replies (10) Good night (1123) Bad night (1971)
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  (650): View more from California

  like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.

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  (650): like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it. http://tfl.nu/vsdn
  Replies (13) Good night (947) Bad night (1952)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee

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  (516): Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee http://tfl.nu/xpqv
  Replies (16) Good night (3243) Bad night (639)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...

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  (717): I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine... http://tfl.nu/s1vo
  Replies (11) Good night (4246) Bad night (723)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning

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  (937): I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning http://tfl.nu/bu5f
  Replies (22) Good night (1230) Bad night (5864)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.

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  (702): sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick. http://tfl.nu/022f
  Replies (14) Good night (980) Bad night (4488)
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  (516): View more from New York

  That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

  (1-516): View more from New York

  yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

  (516): View more from New York

  Do you have to put it that way?

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  (516): That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him. (1-516): yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him. (516): Do you have to put it that way? http://tfl.nu/hbgy
  Replies (21) Good night (6293) Bad night (992)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.

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  (403): Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person. http://tfl.nu/qpdl
  Replies (15) Good night (2226) Bad night (2832)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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  (541): they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you http://tfl.nu/813g
  Replies (23) Good night (4443) Bad night (650)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.

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  (847): Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high. http://tfl.nu/a6we
  Replies (1) Good night (1192) Bad night (549)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  What kind of costume was that supposed to be??

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  I'm an orgasm trader!

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  (202): What kind of costume was that supposed to be?? (1-202): I'm an orgasm trader! http://tfl.nu/kj4e
  Replies (4) Good night (975) Bad night (373)
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.

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  (434): In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult. http://tfl.nu/0of3
  Replies (4) Good night (474) Bad night (1121)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.

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  (919): Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds. http://tfl.nu/9jhi
  Replies (8) Good night (443) Bad night (957)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.

  (817): View more from Texas

  I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.

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  (817): Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult. (817): I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this. http://tfl.nu/zqxi
  Replies (5) Good night (564) Bad night (363)

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