I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
