Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I am midnight drunk by noon
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
