Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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