final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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