my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
