I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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