I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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