My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
