The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
