I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Swine flu. Run for my life!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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