Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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