I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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