Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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