i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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