How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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