I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
