I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
