Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
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it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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