nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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