I am puke
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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