3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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