dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
