Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
