Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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