if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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