When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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