Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I can text with my tongue
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
