apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
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I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
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Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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