I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
