He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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