can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
