Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
