Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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