I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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