Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
it's like iHOP with fire
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
