If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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