Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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