My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
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You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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