Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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