I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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