please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
