call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
